7 things to do when you find your name on Buhari’s Corruption list

The Rich Now Cry… For “Buhari’s corruption list” comes like a thief in the night to expose, embarrass and popularize you. Therefore, while you are waiting for your turn when the spotlight of anti-corruption will shine on your ‘thiefly’ face, prepare yourself.

I have made this list based on the trend I have noticed in the last few months since the launch of President Buhari’s war against corruption, which has just begun.

While #Dasukigate and #NIMASA scandal keep us entertained, I’m addressing this post particularly to those soiled hands in the Nigerian Customs and NNPC. Your ‘big day’ is almost here, how are you preparing? Here’s what you can do before President Buhari’s corruption list carrying your name surfaces:

You can either travel to that Caribbean island or middle Eastern country where you bought a mansion and never return to Nigeria; at least not while President Buhari is still president; or pay the President a Nicodemus visit in which you can confess all your sins and return part if not all the loot in your possession. Please remember Dubai property is now no show.

Start declaring your innocence on social media and accuse the present administration of being biased. Win the hearts of the Nigerian masses. You will soon discover that people were only re-tweeting your tweets for entertainment. The very few influencers are laughing at your impending doom.

If you are not fortunate enough to have had a sweet escape before the list is made public or the DSS whisks you away, there are still a few things you can do to salvage the situation. Remember, many routes lead to the market.

Disappear from social media. This is not the time to tweet or instagram just get lost but if you insist on connecting with the world you can hire a reputation manager preferably a highly priced Senior Advocate of Nigeria to deal with all your social media trolls while you sort yourself out.

Strategically choose a very deadly disease; may be cancer, sclerosis or even Ebola and ask to travel abroad for urgent treatment so you don’t spend the night in Kuje prisons (where you truly belong.) Remember you had stolen public funds meant to build good hospitals so there isn’t the capacity or expertise to treat you with and that’s a sound reason you’ve got there. You can even send pictures of yourself strapped to a life support machine to newspapers and bloggers to publish online to get the empathy you desire…

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If that fails,

Humbly appear in court in handcuffs wearing your chieftaincy cap and attire so that your kinsmen will be mad at such utter disrespect of your culture.

If they fail to notice that, grab a wheelchair, stretcher or walk in on crutches or better still wear an oxygen mask. The judge wouldn’t want the courtroom turned into a morgue suddenly so you’re sure to get bail;

If that fails, tear and swallow your police statements, confessions and other vital evidences. Worst case scenario, you get a bond set at millions of Naira that never belonged to you in the first place and 2 sureties who have houses in Maitama- that should be very easy to produce in your inner circle of ‘yam eaters’

If after producing all of that, you still find yourself lounging in the VIP of Kuje Prisons or some unknown place, because you simply don’t have any human rights; plus you realize you have been sacked by the political party for which you were a formidable mouthpiece because they are suddenly now in search of ‘Credible’ leadership, you must now realize that you are officially On Your Own- O.Y.O.

You are not even an Israelite between the red sea and an approaching army. You are under the red sea of your misdoings. You will now be properly paraded in Black Marias and handcuffs and tried before the Nigerian law.

You will now realize that Nigeria’s Justicia (that woman holding the sword and scales in both hands in front of the high court) is not blind folded. In fact, her eyes are wide open before she gets missing like 2016 budget.

At this point you might get a few years jail term, get mistakenly assassinated or be lucky enough to be forgotten in which case you can shamelessly contest for a senatorial position in 2019.

You can do all this or decide to be a person of integrity while in public service so you can save yourself and family all this drama.